We'll Pick You Up
by bat-hawk
Summary: The Hale family has a tendency towards early marriage, and Derek and Cora are the last single holdouts from their generation. When Cora abandons Derek to endure the latest pack weekend on his own, Derek takes drastic measures to get his family off his back. He calls Enterprise.


_Inspired by an Enterprise commercial I saw posted on tumblr. I, uh, drew heavily from Mrs. Bennet when I was writing Talia in this. I would say sorry, but, … I'm not sorry._

 _ **Warning:** there's a very flippant reference to congenital heart defects in here, just in case anyone's trying to get away from their real lives through fic and don't want a sudden, jolting reminder._

* * *

Derek loved his mom, he really, truly did, but sometimes she was a little too involved in her children's lives. Specifically their love lives, and specifically Derek's.

"You know we'd love to have you bring any young ladies or gentlemen you've been seeing to the pack day, Derek."

"Mom," Derek scrubbed a hand over his face, "we have talked about this."

"I know, sweetheart, but I'm worried about you. It's not natural for you to be so isolated. Plus, you're going to be the only single person of your generation now that Cora's not coming!"

"What." Derek's voice went flat with horror. "Since when is Cora not coming?"

"She called yesterday, something about the boarding for her dogs falling through. Such a shame, we hardly get to see her since she moved down south."

"I can't believe she would do this to me!" Derek was well aware he was edging dangerously close to whining, but he and Cora had presented a united front of singleness for years in the face of their family's tendency for marriage before 23. She would be getting one hell of an earful from Derek as soon as he hung up on his mother.

"Derek, darling, I'm convinced this wouldn't be a problem if you would just change your profile picture! It gives the wrong impression."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Derek asked, affronted. Sure, he wasn't wearing a shirt in it, but it was from a trip to Arches, which was a life-sized oven.

"Cora is hanging all over you!" Mom continued. "It looks like you are very taken. And you don't have your relationship status visible either, Derek, how do you expect to find a date that way?"

"Mom, if anyone was that interested, they would noticed that Cora is tagged, and her last name is Hale."

"They probably assume you're married at that age! I'm sure Laura would be willing to Photoshop one of your other photos if you-"

"Mother! Get off of my Facebook, please."

"You get so touchy about these things. You should really get on one of those dating websites. Kimberly found her mate on eHarmony, I'm sure it would work for you, too."

"I'm sick of hearing about Kimberly and Jordan."

"Jordan's a lesbian, too, and she wasn't too good for online dating."

"I don't even know where to start with that sentence. I'm going to hang up, if you don't have anything else to talk about."

"Fine, fine. I'll see you at noon on Saturday!"

"Okay. Love you."

"Love you, too, Derek. Oh, and Conrad said there was a singles event at that gay bar you like so much tonight! You should make an appearance!"

Derek growled into the phone as he hung up. He immediately called Cora.

"Heeeeey, there, Derek!" Cora's voice was filled with false cheer when she picked up on the third ring.

"Traitor," Derek hissed.

"I take it you talked to Mom," she sighed.

"Yes! I can't believe you didn't tell me first so I could think of an excuse not to go!"

"Derek, you still live in Beacon Hills. Mom would call bullshit on anything you said if you tried to cancel two days beforehand."

That may be true, but Derek was still allowed to be irritated.

"I'm sorry, bro," Cora soothed when Derek just let the silence stretch. "The vet called yesterday and said they had an outbreak of kennel cough and they're closed until Monday to clean the place out."

"And no one was willing to take two 90 pound dogs on no notice," Derek grudgingly finished for her.

"Exactly."

"Why can't you just bring the dogs? I'd rather have them underfoot than face a pack weekend on my own!"

Cora snorted. "You don't know what you're asking. If they get left alone all day in your tiny loft, they will destroy everything."

"Because you've spoiled them," Derek grumbled.

"You mean I let them live the kind of life God made them for?"

"Fine. Just abandon me to the sharks."

"I'd be there if I could, Derek. You don't have to be so dramatic all the time. And, hey, I was actually looking forward to seeing you, so I was thinking maybe I could come up next weekend and we could go camping or something, just the two of us."

"I'm holding you to that. Bring me some of that trail mix and that chocolate when you come."

"Will that be enough to buy your forgiveness?" Cora laughed.

"Yes. And bring the dogs."

"Of course! They love camping."

"Okay. I guess I'll see you next Friday?"

"Yeah, I'll text you once I've talked to my manager." She paused for a moment. "You know," there was a smirk evident in her voice, "you could always make up a significant other for Saturday to get them off your back."

"That'll never work. They'll want to Facebook stalk them, and know every detail of our first five dates."

"True. Maybe hire an escort?"

"Cora," he groaned.

"Love you, Derek," she giggled. "I've gotta get back to work, now. Talk to you later!"

"Love you too," Derek sighed, dropping his phone into his lap while Cora hung up. He flipped on the TV and aimlessly channel surfed for a few moments before coming across an Enterprise commercial. "We'll pick you up," Derek muttered slowly as an idea dawned on him. He grinned and grabbed his phone again.

* * *

Saturday was exactly as horrible as Derek had feared. Laura kept thrusting children at him in some sort of misguided hope that he would spontaneously develop a paternal streak. His baby cousin Macey had gotten engaged (at twenty, nonetheless, neither of them were even out of college yet), and the happy couple were busy flaunting the flashy ring at every opportunity. This, of course, prompted every aunt, uncle, and grandparent to ask Derek when it would be his turn for a ring. He tried not to glower too much, but from the disappointed looks Laura kept shooting him, he was probably not doing a very good job.

Derek tried to take refuge at the snack table to eat self-pitying chocolate and text Cora about what a horrible sister she was, but his cousin Mick snatched Derek's phone out of his hand and started prattling on about Tinder and how Derek needed to get a date before Macey's wedding. Because, of course, 14-year-old Mick already had a steady girlfriend he would be bringing.

"That's okay!" Derek startled as Mick began to demonstrate the mechanics of Tinder by swiping right on a frankly alarming number of people. "I've got it, you're a great teacher, stop now." Derek tried to wrestle his phone back, but Mick had a surprisingly strong grip, and Derek didn't want to break someone's finger over online booty calls. He panicked a little as one of his aunts perked up and looked like she was about to give her own Tinder advice. "I already know how to use it," Derek nearly shouted, "the gays have had Grindr for years and years!"

That seemed to surprise Mick enough that he let go of the phone while Aunt Maddie sighed and walked away. Derek quickly locked his phone and jammed it into a pocket. "Is it really the same thing?" Mick asked skeptically.

Derek had no earthly idea, but Mick probably hadn't learned how to hear lies very well yet. "Yup."

Mick narrowed his eyes, but someone put out fudge farther down the table, and Mick shot off towards it. "Thank God," Derek groaned, turning to make an escape only to come face to face with Laura.

"Did you honestly just refer to "the gays," Derek?" she smirked.

"Yes, Laura," Derek sighed heavily, "The very last thing I need in my life is a 14-year-old lecturing me about how to get no-strings sex over the internet."

"You know," Laura cast a sly look out the corner of her eyes, and Derek already knew he didn't want to finish this conversation, "Jordan met her girlfriend on-"

"No! Please, Laura, I do not want to hear another word of this."

"Lighten up, Derek, jeez." Laura socked him in the shoulder.

"Since I got here, people have only talked to me about weddings, babies, online dating, and how I could change myself to attract a satisfactory mate. Why can't we just talk about basketball and live in peace?"

"We just want you to be happy, Derek," Laura sighed, "and I don't care what you say, no wolf is happy on their own."

"Am I not allowed to decide that for myself?"

Laura patted his shoulder. "It's been years since you even went on a date, Derek. How would you even know?"

"How would you know if I've been dating?" Derek snapped before he could think better of it. Laura was particularly good at slamming his buttons.

"Well, you probably would have told someone, for starters." Laura looked at him like he was crazy.

"Maybe I've just been casual." Derek tried his best to look cool and unaffected.

"Please," Laura actually laughed, "when have you ever had a relationship less serious than a congenital heart defect?"

"Since the past few years." That wasn't technically a lie; he had had a one night stand three years ago. He had regretted it really intensely and felt like shit for a week after, but Laura didn't have to know that.

Laura's eyebrows were about to join her hairline. "I don't believe you."

Derek puffed up with the knowledge that he was finally the one getting to Laura for once in their lives. "You'd better. I have a boyfriend who's coming to pick me up tonight, and we're going to have filthy sex all night long so I can forget about this whole day!"

"Now that was a lie," Laura frowned.

Derek deflated a little. "Okay, so there won't be marathon sex, he has to work. But he is coming to get me, my car's indisposed." If indisposed meant that he had left it at home in his driveway, but whatever.

"Well," Laura said softly, "color me impressed. I didn't know you had it in you."

They were quiet for a few moments before Laura offered, "so, how about Golden State?" like the olive branch they both knew it was.

"Oh my god, did you see the game on Thursday?" Derek started, and he finally had a pleasant conversation. It ended when Great Aunt Helen pinched Derek's ass, told him she hoped he had a young man to put it to good use, and dragged a cackling Laura away for some doubtless nefarious purpose, but it was nice while it lasted.

* * *

Derek waited until he wouldn't be the first one to leave before sneaking away to place a phone call. His father stumbled upon him as he was hanging up.

"Who was that?" he asked, nearly rabid with curiosity.

"My date," Derek said decisively. Dad's eyebrows shot up comically.

"Why didn't you bring him today?" He looked genuinely disappointed to have missed an opportunity to meddle in Derek's life.

"He had to work. But he's coming to pick me up now."

"Derek, that's fantastic! Your mother will be so ecstatic! How far away is he?"

"Ten minutes." Derek was suddenly regretting having spilled the beans.

"That's great. I'll come wait with you!"

"I've gotta say bye to Mom and Laura first." Derek turned and started dodging through the crowd, hoping to shake Dad before he could give Mom advanced warning of Derek's situation.

Of course, Derek didn't get that kind of luck, though he did have the small mercy of catching his mother between conversations and hopefully isolating this clusterfuck to his immediate family rather than letting it spread to the whole pack.

"Hey, Mom, I'm heading out."

"Aw, so soon?" She reached up to plant a couple of kisses on his cheeks. "I'm glad you came, darling. I know big gatherings aren't your thing."

"It was-"

"Derek has a date coming to pick him up!" Dad burst in excitedly. Derek sighed while Mom's jaw dropped.

"You sly thing!" she swatted at Derek. "Do you need to leave your car here, then?"

"My car is out of commision, which is why he's coming. And no, I'm not going to parade him all around the house when he gets here."

"Derek, that's so sweet that you lied about your car just so we could meet him!"

Derek wilted even further. He hadn't expected that lie to hold up for very long, but it was still one less layer of protection between him and the truth. "I'm - I'm just going to wait for him on the porch." Derek jerked a thumb weakly towards the front door. "Where's Laura?"

"Right here." Laura descended the last few steps on the staircase with a child on her hip that she let loose once on stable ground. "Are we all here to see Derek's mysterious date before he's whisked away?"

"Of course!" Dad grinned, ushering everyone out the front door. Thankfully, it took less than a minute of stony silence from Derek and conspiratory glances between his family before a shiny silver sedan pulled up and a man in a slightly rumpled suit stepped out. Derek dashed off the porch before anyone could get any ideas. He defied every single, cringing instinct and went in for a hug, cutting the man off in the middle of saying, "Hi, I'm Stiles from Enter- whoa, um, hey there, buddy." The man gingerly patted at Derek's shoulders.

"I will tip you so well if you play along for the next five minutes," Derek mumbled into the man's shoulder, definitely sounding completely insane. This had been such a horrible idea. If only Derek had kept his mouth shut, he could have just hopped into a strange car with a strange man and left his family with the unsettling idea that they didn't know everything that went on in Derek's life. To be honest, he should have expected something like this. Derek had made an art form out of getting in over his head.

"Holy crap, are we doing fake boyfriends in real life?" The man sounded, well, gleeful, really.

"Um, I guess so?" Derek winced.

"This is the best day of my life! I am so here for you, dude, don't worry about a thing."

Derek was suddenly being hugged very tightly.

"Okay," Derek stammered as he pulled away. "Stiles, was it?"

"Yup! And I'm assuming you're Derek?"

"Yes," Derek swallowed, "that's me." It turned out Stiles was very attractive when Derek wasn't looking through the lense of impending cripplingly awkward social interaction. Derek had made a lot of bad choices today. "We can just," Derek jerked his thumb over his shoulder, "get this over with."

Stiles smirked and followed Derek up to the porch with a hand resting on Derek's lower back. That sort of contact usually made Derek want to pop claws, but right then it was strangely nice.

Derek's family members were wearing three identical expressions of shock when Derek and Stiles got to the top of the steps.

"So, everyone," Derek fidgeted, not even trying to calm his speeding heart. Nerves were the best cover there was for lies. "Uh, this is Stiles."

"It's so good to meet you!" Mom was the first to recover, rushing forward to shake Stiles' hand. "I'd say finally, except that Derek here had kept you quite the secret!"

"We're casual," Derek blurted out, crossing his arms firmly over his chest. Mom and Dad's faces suddenly went pinched. Shit.

Stiles just laughed, and somehow it wasn't forced or awkward at all. "Derek wants to take things slow," Stiles grinned, resting a hand at the crook of Derek's neck, sweeping a thumb over the back of Derek's neck in a way that was probably supposed to be soothing, but just managed to wind Derek up tighter. A gesture like that among wolves spoke to a very deep level of intimacy. "And who am I to deny him," Stiles finished, still smiling easily.

Just like that, the tension melted out of the air, in no small part due to Stiles' familiar touch, and Stiles was successfully introduced to Dad and Laura while Mom beamed at them with watery eyes. Derek was just about to turn and flee with Stiles when Mom crowed, "let's see a kiss!"

Derek froze.

"Mom!" Laura hissed, "that's rude! We just met Stiles!"

"Oh, come on, Laura, they obviously like each other a lot! I'm sure they wouldn't mind."

"It's no hardship for me." Stiles still looked like he was having the time of his life as he reeled Derek in by the hand on Derek's neck and pressed a soft, lingering kiss to Derek's lips.

Derek knew he must have looked poleaxed when Stiles pulled back. He blinked several times to clear his vision and licked his lips, tasting Stiles all over them.

"Oh my god," Laura looked like she had tears in her eyes, what the hell. "My baby brother is growing up!" She smothered Derek in a hug. "I'm so happy for you," she whispered.

He got similar treatment from both parents before he managed to escape, nearly falling down the porch steps as he skittered away.

"Wow," Derek breathed once they were safe in Stiles' car. "I am so sorry, that go so out of hand."

"Are you kidding me?" Stiles was _still_ grinning. "That is hands-down the best things that's ever happened to me at this job! Although, I've gotta ask, what's a guy like you need a fake boyfriend for?"

"Uh, well, my family is really into marrying early, and they won't get off my back about my lack of prospects. So, I thought I'd just leave with a stranger so they might think I'm looking, but, uh, it turned into that, so, probably not my best move."

"Well, lucky for you, you got me for a driver! I don't think it turned out to bad for you, in the end."

"Yeah, thanks for that. My family just really knows how to get to me."

Stiles laughed, quick and boisterous. "Yeah, I know all about that."

"Does your family do that too?" Derek perked up a little.

"Uh, no, not like yours. Not at all."

"Oh." Derek squirmed in his seat. "Can you take me home? I don't actually need to rent a car."

"Weeeeell, we're not really supposed to-"

Derek pulled a hundred dollar bill out of his wallet and offered it to Stiles.

"Yup, that'll do it." Stiles snatched the bill. "Where to, big guy?"

The short trip was spent in silence punctuated by Derek's directions. "Sorry again for putting you through that." Derek unbuckled his seatbelt as Stiles pulled up to his building.

"I had a blast, really," Stiles smiled shifting into park. "In fact, if you need fake boyfriend services in the future, I'd be happy to oblige."

Derek started to roll his eyes, only to freeze (yet again) when Stiles continued, "or, if you wanted to give the real thing a shot, I'd be down for that."

"... What?" There was no way Derek heard that right.

"I'd like to take you out sometime, Derek."

"... Really?"

"Yes," Stiles snorted, "have you seen yourself? Plus, you are, quite frankly, adorable. And I don't mind slow or serious, which, I kinda got the impression from your family are your wheelhouse."

"Um, I'd - I think I'd like that."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah," Derek cracked a smile, "you available on Thursday?"

"Yes, yeah, definitely!" Stiles fumbled his phone out and handed it to Derek for his number.

"I'll pick you up, this time," Derek smirked, texting Stiles' number to himself.

"Great, that's awesome, I'm looking forward to it!" Stiles took his phone back, deliberately brushing Derek's fingers as he did. "I'll text you when I get off?"

Derek nodded and Stiles grinned. "Perfect. I'll see you Thursday!" he called as Derek climbed out of the car. Derek waved. Then he jogged up all the flights of stairs, because there was no way he could handle standing in an elevator right then. He leaned back against his front door when he got inside, not quite believing what had just happened.

He jumped when his phone rang, thinking for a panicked second that it might be Stiles calling to say it was all a joke until he saw the caller ID.

It was Cora. Derek knew _exactly_ why she was calling. He grinned as he picked up.

"Hello, Cora."

"Traitor!" she hissed.

Derek threw back his head and laughed.

* * *

 _I'm on tumblr at moretomhardy . tumblr . com, if you want to come say hi!_


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